The relationship stepping-stool

A few years ago I took a student development course that was required for resident assistants in the dorms. One of our lectures in this course dealt with relationships. My ideas presented here stem off of that lecture.

Imagine a stepping stool with three legs. If all three legs are of the similar length, then you have a pretty stable stool. If one or two of the legs are longer or shorter, then the stool may become unstable and dangerous.

Relationships are balanced on top of this metaphorical stool. It is important to keep the stool fairly level, so that the relationship is secure. The stool gets taller and taller as the relationship matures, which increase the importance for a well balanced relationship.

Each of the three legs of the stool represents an aspect of the relationship: physical, emotional, and commitment. If any of these aspects are far more serious than the others, then the relationship is not in balance and is in danger of falling apart.

For example, relationships with too much commitment may make one or more of the individuals feel trapped. Relationships with too much of a physical aspect is filled with lust. And relationships with a varied levels emotional connection are taxing, confusing, or awkward.

The following table illustrates a few of the obvious major steps in each of the three aspects. Of course it is much more of a gradient and there are many more steps. Early relationships probably should have attributes closer to the tops of the lists. Well developed relationships might have attributes closer to the bottoms of the lists. Although there are four points in each list, it doesn’t mean point two on one lists matches up with point two the other two lists.

Deciding how the levels of each aspect match up with each other is personal and individual. However, because it takes two people for a relationship, the matching might vary a bit. It is important to consider the difference of views and possible compromise (views, not standards).

In conclusion, if or when you are in a relationship, you should take a moment to do a self check to see if things seem in balanced. Are your physical reactions to one another appropriate for the emotions you feel for each other and the level of commitment that you are at? Do you have the levels of trust and devotion to get you through hard times? Does it all seem balanced?