Inspired by Insight

Am I nerdy? Is that what my mission president thought of me? Is that what my high school teachers thought of me? And, most importantly, is that what girls think of me? By nerdy, I mean geeky. I’m ok with being smart, but nerdy is the guy with glasses and a pocket protector. I’ve worked so hard not to be nerdy. Have I failed? Seriously, ever since I was 17, not being nerdy was a major goal of mine, if I have failed, then indeed I have lost part of myself.

Am I strange or weird? I don’t even know what this means. Adnormal? I want so much to be normal. I think at one point I was. I think I’ve lost it though. My brain has stopped working the way it should. I know it has, and I don’t like it. That is why I’m taking off school, because I need some serious recovery. I need to be able to feel like I’m alive again.

Am I immature? In high school people told me that I acted too mature for my age. Now I’m feeling like people don’t think that about me any more? Have I stopped in my progression of maturity? I’m 25 years old, and they haven’t been easy years, especially that last 6. I am dissapointed to think that I’ve lost my maturity.

Am I single. Yes, but I’m not disappointed by this. I think though that some people think that I am. Marriage starved. Do I give off that appearance? I think there is a difference between desiring the benefits of being married and being marriage starved. I am no more wanting to get married than the day I got home from my mission. That was 4 years ago. I’m not going to get sloppy in dating just because someday I would like to be married. I’ll take another 4 years, or 40 if I have to, in order to make sure I marry the right person. I’m not in a rush, so I think I need to make sure I don’t give that appearance. I need to downplay my age, how long I’ve been home off my mission, and the fact that I’m single.

Am I honest? I hope so. Am I open? I hope so as well. Maybe this isn’t a good thing. Maybe I need to be less trusting and keep things to myself more and be more reserved in how I act and talk. While honesty is a good thing, I think I need to have more tact. I think this means that I’m going to have to kill or protect a lot of my blog entries so they can’t be read by people who will try and interpret meaning out of it.

Am I clever? Perhaps not. I think sometimes I think I am, but some people read right through it.