Jan. 12: The driver of a white pick-up truck reportedly whipped into a handicap stall, parked and ran to class. Officers confirmed that the running person indeed had a handicap permit.

Perhaps they need, “Sort of handicap” parking spaces and “I’m in a wheelchair” handicap spaces.

My favorite though are the “Expectant Mother” parking spaces out the front of Baby’s ‘R Us.

(Image Source)

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Oct. 11 Several female students left their apartment for 30 minutes to attend ward prayer. When they returned to their apartment, they found a severed elk head on their kitchen table. The suspects could not be identified and the elk was disposed of at the materials handling building.

This was posted under the “trespassing” headline, and I can imagine that it would be threatening to have someone in your apartment without knowing about it, but at least they didn’t damage or steal anything.  They were just leaving a surprise gift.

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September 6: Two male subjects were knocking doors in the female area of Wyview Park. They identified themselves as missionaries. When the police arrived the two male students said they thought it was a novel way to meet girls.

Its kind of like, “Hi, I’m going to lie and deceive you into thinking that I’m a missionary, and then you’ll want to date me.”  Not the best of ideas.  But maybe we could give them a break, they probably only started their freshman year a week earlier.

I also thought this one was funny:

September 5: Two students tried trespassing into the LaVell Edwards Stadium. Because they were unsuccessful they were not arrested.

Note to future self: Avoid getting arrested by not being successful on your next trespass attempt.

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July 4: An owl was found in the former president’s Home. An officer communicated with the owl and it left.

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June 2: An office chair was taken from the Faculty Office Building. The chair is valued at $900

The real shocker here is that BYU is paying $900 for office chairs. That does sound like theft.

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June 2:

• “When University Police arrived, they found no one suspicious on the hill.”
• “Officers couldn’t find anything upon arrival.”
• “ The man was gone when an officer arrived.”
• “The men were gone when officers arrived.”
• “The male was gone when a university police officer arrived.”

May 27:

• “Officers were unable to locate him upon arrival.”

May 19:

• “ No suspects were found when officers arrived.”
• “They were gone when officers arrived.”
• “Officers could not find the woman or her children.”

Are BYU police just slow at arriving to the scene?  Usually the suspect is gone by the time officers arrive.  Here is a case where the suspect is found before officers arrive:

An athlete was missing from the NCAA track at the Special Olympics but was found before officers arrived at the site.

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May 13: An individual called to report a strong odor coming from somewhere inside the Tanner Building. Officers discovered it was only the maintenance crew unclogging toilets, bringing out sewer gas odors. That section of the building was aired out.

The funniest part was the title of the beat: Hazardous Material.

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Feb. 27: An elderly man was walking with two Chihuahuas when one of them got loose and began running around the Talmage Building. Police were unable to find the dog.

The poor professor who finds the dog in his office the next morning.

And then I just have a big fat question about this one:

Feb. 26: Police received a call from a resident of Taylor Hall who had been approached by a freelance member of the media. The man was filming student responses to questions about the LDS faith and wanted to put the film on MTV. The man said he was unaware of campus filming restrictions and left.

BYU has campus fiming restrictions?  Since when?  Of course the man was unaware, because who is?

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First, a story about theft:

Feb. 6 Twenty-one laptop computers have been stolen from the KMB. The situation is currently under investigation.

Ok, this one is kind of lame that they didn’t give more details.  How do 21 laptops go missing in a building that was torn down months ago, and the only commentary is that it is under investigation.  Were they all stollen at the same time, or from the same place?  Stealing one or two laptops, not so hard, but you can’t tell me that someone walked out of a torn down building with 21 laptops in their backpack. 

And now, education about who not to call when you are having a bad day:

Feb. 9 A professor received a call from an unknown male party at his office. The young male was upset at his girlfriend about an illicit affair and started swearing. It appeared he had the wrong number.

I can see the professor’s response to be something like this:  Hello?  Why yes, I am a chemistry professor.  No, not that type of chemistry.  You sound pretty upset, perhaps you meant to call a family sciences professor, I only deal with molecules and atoms and junk.  F what? Maybe you meant to say flourine.  Perhaps you should call a math professor, they can help you get your numbers straight, ’cause you got the wrong number.  Sucka!

And finally, a good lesson on how to mediate a situation:

Feb. 6 A lifeguard at the Richards Building pool called police when two reporters working on laptops from The Deseret News refused to leave. Officers mediated the situation.

I wonder what they mean by “mediated the situation.”  I bet the original draft of this beat read: “Officers with guns told them to leave, nicely.”

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Feb. 2: Laundry was stolen from a laundromat at Wymount Terrace. The clothes are valued at $300.

I don’t know about you, but I have no idea how much the clothes in a load of laundry are worth.  My thinking would probably go something like, “I think I had a pair of pants… no… two pairs… I bought them at Kohl’s maybe?  They were $23 each, or were they on sale for $17?  I had some socks in the load as well.  Do clothes depreciate in value if they are worn?  How many socks would I have had in the load, and should I count the sock that is suppose to go missing in the dryer? Then there was that shirt… what is my current subtotal?  Oh, yeah, I forgot to add in the socks…”

Feb. 2: A male student set off a stairwell alarm in the HBLL after entering the off-limits area to talk on his cell phone. When a security guard asked the student to leave the area, the student was aggressive and repeatedly used foul language. Police were called, and the student was banned from the library for 72 hours. The case is currently under investigation with charges pending.

Some people and their cell phones!  Quick sanity check: if you set off an alarm and a security guard asks you to leave the area, is arguing using foul language going to actually help you at all?  Maybe the library needs to install cones of silence for people to use when talking on their phone so they don’t have to go exploring.

Feb. 2: A suspicious man was reported entering the new OIT building on the west side of campus. Police responded and discovered the man was a subcontractor working on the heating system.

What makes a man suspicious?  I’m just curious.  I’ve got a feeling, at BYU, a suspicious man would look just like any other man, except with some facial hair.  ‘Cause that is how it rolls down in Provo.

Jan. 31: Two intoxicated men were using foul language while waiting at the bus stop east of the Wilkinson Center. The men were not allowed on public transportation due to their drunken state and called a friend to come pick them up. Both men have a criminal history and are not affiliated with BYU.

So we don’t want drunks to drive, but we also don’t allow them to take the bus?  Although I understand that public intoxication is a public nuisance, it seems like a slight mixed message to say, don’t drive, but we’re not going to let you take the bus either.

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