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What does it mean to be desperate? I think it involves ignoring the natural order and process of things.

Being desperate to get married involves short cutting some of the natural steps that normally come in the progression of a relationship in order to get married faster.

Short reponce: find look for love.

When we put ourselves into a position to be loved, we put ourselves in a position to be heartbroken. Because when we allow ourselves to be loved, we allow ourselves to be hurt by those who love us.

This is true even outside of romantic relationships. It is true in family relationships as well as friendships. It can happen in any relationship where we open up to the love and affection of others.

The exception is our Heavenly Father, who loves us unconditionally. He will never betray us, or stop loving us.

A few years ago I took a student development course that was required for resident assistants in the dorms. One of our lectures in this course dealt with relationships. My ideas presented here stem off of that lecture.

Imagine a stepping stool with three legs. If all three legs are of the similar length, then you have a pretty stable stool. If one or two of the legs are longer or shorter, then the stool may become unstable and dangerous.

Relationships are balanced on top of this metaphorical stool. It is important to keep the stool fairly level, so that the relationship is secure. The stool gets taller and taller as the relationship matures, which increase the importance for a well balanced relationship.

Each of the three legs of the stool represents an aspect of the relationship: physical, emotional, and commitment. If any of these aspects are far more serious than the others, then the relationship is not in balance and is in danger of falling apart.

For example, relationships with too much commitment may make one or more of the individuals feel trapped. Relationships with too much of a physical aspect is filled with lust. And relationships with a varied levels emotional connection are taxing, confusing, or awkward.

The following table illustrates a few of the obvious major steps in each of the three aspects. Of course it is much more of a gradient and there are many more steps. Early relationships probably should have attributes closer to the tops of the lists. Well developed relationships might have attributes closer to the bottoms of the lists. Although there are four points in each list, it doesn’t mean point two on one lists matches up with point two the other two lists.

Deciding how the levels of each aspect match up with each other is personal and individual. However, because it takes two people for a relationship, the matching might vary a bit. It is important to consider the difference of views and possible compromise (views, not standards).

In conclusion, if or when you are in a relationship, you should take a moment to do a self check to see if things seem in balanced. Are your physical reactions to one another appropriate for the emotions you feel for each other and the level of commitment that you are at? Do you have the levels of trust and devotion to get you through hard times? Does it all seem balanced?

On one of the mailing lists I subscribe to, there was this question that went out:

Subject: ONLY FOR GUYS TO ANSWER…

Hey I was just wondering what yall thought about Whom should make the
first move the guy or the gurl on matters such as: holding hands or
kissing, for the first time?

And if a gurl were to make the first move how would you feel
about/like that?

When I was in Romania for my LDS mission, handholding wasn’t such a big deal. It would be normal to hold hands with friends. You would see girls walk down the street hand in hand all the time. They were not homosexual, just friends. It wouldn’t be unusual for me to walk down the street arm in arm with my missionary companion. Of course, my personal preference was against doing that, but it wouldn’t have been socially unacceptable if I had done so.

I mention that to illustrate the point that every society has different norms for physical contact. Each individual also has their own personal preferences. In deciding when is is appropriate to make a move physically in a relationship, it is important to remember the social norms and personal preferences in doing so.

Now the norm in our modern American society has been changing over the years I think. It used to be that the social norm was more that the man in the relationship would be the one to make the moves. However, with traditional gender roles have been fading and there are fewer reasons to assume that it is the male’s role in the relationship to make advances. Tradition, of course, opposes modern trends in advancements, and thus will remind us of the traditional male role. The societal norm, conclusionally, is that either gender is free to make relationship advancements, but with more emphasis placed on the male’s role because of tradition.

The freedom of the societal norm gives great flexibility to the personal preferences of an individual who is dating. Let me discuss though, a particular trend that I’ve seen. Girls want to be understood and loved, while guys want to provide. If a girl has a problem, she wants someone to understand how she feels about the problem. If a guy has a problem, he wants it to be fixed. Not that dating is a problem, but in a relationship, girls often tend to focus more on emotional understanding and love, and guys tend to think more about showing affection through actions. Individual dating preferences often will follow these trends. Girls want to feel like they are a great catch. They will tend not to make the moves because they prefer that the man in the relationship proves his affection for her by overcoming any nerves or awkwardness in making advances. Guys must consider carefully his feelings for a girl before he makes any moves and conquers and fears he may have of doing so. In this way, physical affection will represent the emotional affection between the couple and the kissing and handholding will become more enjoyable.

It is also worthy to note the importance of keeping relationships in this balance. Physical affection should be initiated only when there is an equivalent level of emotional affection. It should also remain in balance with the commitment of the relationship. When these three aspects of a relationship (physical affection, emotional affection, and commitment) are in balance, then the relationship will be more enjoyable and profitable for the involved individuals. When a relationship is developing, the couple should plan a variety of activities to do together so that the three aspects of a relationship grow in balance.

I just came across this website: beforeforever.byu.edu. I think it is very funny that BYU would have a web site like this. I guess it shows some of the BYU culture. I heard today that 52% of BYU grads are married. This is in comparison to the national average of only 11%.

If I were pessimistic, then I would concentrate on the stat aht 48% graduate from BYU without being able to get married. Perhaps if they didn’t allow single women to take more than an average class load then they would be free more often to be asked out on dates and the married percentage would go up.